Posted by: mistyp0079 | August 23, 2010

Women paying child support and giving up custody

What kind of mother are you?  You have given custody of the children to their father.  Don’t you love your children?  Mothers always raise their children until they get grown.  Some get grown and never leave.  Mothers are always there for their children.  What would this world be without mothers?

Many women each year decide to give up custody of their children to the fathers and pay child support.  The reasons vary from household to household.  There are women who are so dependent and addicted to drugs, alcohol or prescription medications that they can’t possibly use rational thought to take care of themselves let alone children.  There are others living in situations with boyfriends that are not allowed near children so they make the choice of giving up the kids instead of the man.  Women in prison give up custody of children as well. 

What if you aren’t some crazed psycho mom and have rational thought?  What if you are a responsible citizen and decide that it is better for your children to have permanent custody with their father.  What if you work overseas, in the military, unemployed or any other situation that you can’t provide for your children?  What do you do?

It is never a simple solution for women to give up their children.  There are those who give them up and call consistently making demands on the father and the household.  They want to have some control as well as not be forgotten.  There are others who work with the father and visitation is a non issue.  They want what’s best for the kids and provide loving separate environments.

Giving up custody of preschool children and younger is the most difficult choice for a mother.  This is the time where nurturing and bonding is formed.  Mothers are giving special care to infants by providing milk, changing diapers and spending time learning their little personalities.  As mothers, we can’t possibly think that anyone can do a better job raising small children than ourselves.

During grade school, we are actively involved in teaching values and morals.  Even if our children don’t understand what they are being taught, the seed is planted.  While schools are giving the basic social skills and book knowledge, survival skills are taught in the home.  This is a period of discovery of your childs talents and interests.  Some kids are involved in sports, the arts, music, etc., for the first time and others are still discovering their hidden talents.  As mothers, we want to be the first to encourage our children to aspire to be their best. 

Once they become teenagers, the foundation has been set.  The value system they have been given is now tested.  Some teens start running into problems due to pressure from peers and family.  This is a time that children of split families have difficulty.  If both parents give unconditional love and positive reinforcement, this can make the teenage years less strenuous.  Parenting can be more of a challenge but not impossible. 

As a mother of a teenage boy, I have transferred custody of him to his father for his high school years.  This decision was an easy one for me because he needs to get to know his father on a day-to-day basis.  I also knew that there were many questions regarding the breakup that I couldn’t answer and the resentment was building.  I didn’t want to be the parent that kept her child from his father and then ended up with the child not speaking to me later in life. 

I also felt that his value system was set.  I gave him his foundation on a motherly level.  I also have an open door policy on any topic that he chooses to discuss with me.  Since he is in the teenage transition his father would be the best resource to learn how to be a man from something as simple as shaving to working and providing for his family. 

As part of giving up custody, court ordered child support helps with the expenses of caring for your children.  Many people are under the illusion that only men pay child support but women pay it as well.  As part of the court ordered agreement, I happily pay child support to my ex-husband as this funding is helping to keep my child fed, clothed, and housed. There are also dead beat moms that don’t pay child support and leave the expense of raising their children to others. 

In most agreements, the noncustodial parent pays for visitation.  If the child is local, the expense is minimal in comparison to long distance travel.  If children are involved in high level sports or other activities that require a huge time commitment, they may have activities that occur over the summer.  This can interfere with the visitation agreement so cooperation is required from both parents to ensure that the child is fulfilling his responsibilities to his team and dedicating himself/herself to the activity that they love.

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Responses

  1. Hey girlfriend, we never give up our children, only lend them for a little while. Mothers and Fathers are charged with the task of making good men out of our boys. And sometimes, even though it hurts, there are times when it is up to the man to raise the cub to be a lion. Being a good mother transends over space and time – just cuz you aren’t there daily, doesn’t mean the mothering ends. So…yeah, baby boy is with dad and may he be happy there. He knows you love him…

  2. i gave up custody of my 16 and 13 year olds. these kids did nothing but look for trouble and were real good at finding it.

    i was so tired of their dad blaming me for every thing they got into that i thought hell with you, you have at it.

    this was a guy that watched there every move on the internet, would dig up any police record he could find on their friends and throw it in my face like its my fault. did ya ever try to pick your kids friends? let me tell ya they wont let you, any more than you would have someone choose yours.

    yup after about 10,000 in lawyer fees i thought what the hell am i fighting for. these kids wont listen, their dad dont listen and i think all you need to live together so you can not listen to each other. lol

    do i regret it not one bit. lol nope. he’s pulling his hair out now. and everything he complained about he lets them do. funny how that changes when the shoe is on the other foot.

    this order took place july 1st of this year. the same day my boy was tossed in jail to which he sat for over a month and then was transferred to a state mental hospital.

    back in jan. of this year i noticed a big change in this boy personality. i set it up for inpatient testing of this boy with a local psych. hospital after he got in a fight in the school locker room and cracked open another kids head for no reason.

    he was also delusional in thoughts that people were out to get him and paranoid about things that weren’t happening.

    any way his dad didn’t think there was any thing wrong with this boy despite knowing this boy thought he could talk to god, and would bring him to be accessed.

    he was diagnosed with with psychosis and paranoid issues and will have to be on medication the rest of his life. he was transfered this tue, to a half way house and yeah blame his dad for not getting him help long ago. this boy is in a zombie like state and will be for the rest of his life.

    as for his sister shes in more trouble at school than ever. has drug issues and yup no one he point the finger at but himself. just hope he can chew what he bit off. cause yup im bitter.

    im only suppose to see these kids the 3rd weekend of every month,but he brings her here daily. got cut off the 840 in child support he was paying and still feeding her daily. i dont pay clild support either on the basis that he gets to claim them both as deductions on his taxes, and he makes about 25,000 more a year than me. more than likely my boy will end up getting some sort of disability down the line to which their dad will get too.

    so yeah thats my story like it or not.

    • Doris: I originally wrote this piece to reach out to women who have questioned themselves on whether or not to give up custody and the ramifications. I have fought the fight of keeping a family together with a missing traveling then husband and truly empathize with your situation. I’m definitely keeping you in my prayers and truly thank you for sharing your experience. As mothers, we take on the task of giving the values to our children but society continues to test them at every turn. For me, it’s not about liking your story but learning from your story about the challenges that people face everyday when raising children. May God bring you peace as you move forward through your destined path.

  3. I enjoyed your article. I also recently (informally) gave up custody of my almost 14 year old son to his father (we get along and always have and no child support order has ever been in effect, we jointly take care of him from 500 miles apart). I hope I did set a good foundation, and it is time for this to happen. Over the last couple of years I have had a lot of trouble with my son, and frankly was scared of what he was going to become walking this path. His father is much more strict, and will not tolerate the yelling and fighting, while I am a person that walks away from arguing.

    My son will always be my son, and I will always be his mom. But, now it is dad’s turn. And we will work together to help him become a man.

    It has been heartbreaking, but at the same time, I know this is what had to happen.

  4. I am completely and utterly broken at this point, both healthwise, and financially. I have been raising our autistic child alone, (and I mean ALONE-no family or friends helping EVER). The dad lives on the east coast, I live on the west coast. It has been years of arguing and begging for him to pay the 50% of extra expenses so that I could pay for childcare and work. I have been fully responsible for all of the autism interventions, multiple school changes, meetings, psych, social group, behavioral therapies, etc., etc. It never ends. We are completely isolated because of the behavioral difficulties and anti-social behavior. Today I had a court hearing to modify child support, (after 10 years). I was on conference call. From the get-go the mediator, (or whatever she was), was incredibly aggressive and rude with me, and very pleasant and nice to my X-husband, (who was there in person). In the end she REDUCED the child support! I objected. She gave my X the choice of paying what he has paid for years, or going with the new, reduced rate. Of course he chose the reduced rate. I am sick, and have not worked for a while. I am struggling to find a job, but have not had much luck. He is a professor at a medical school and makes well over $100,000. per year. His live-in fiance is managing director of a major financial firm in Manhattan. Where is the fairness in any of this? The court ordered me to send my last three years of tax returns to my X a month prior to the hearing. Yet, when I asked that my X be compelled to send me his tax returns they refused. So, I could not even prepare for the case in advance. I objected to the outcome, and now it will go to trial with a judge. I have been treated so disrespectfully by the NJ courts, and my X is treated like a golden boy. I don’t get it. I am now at the point where I have decided to give my X full custody because I just cannot do this anymore. As I stated earlier, “I am broken”. I just cannot do it anymore. My question is how do I go about transferring custody, and what do I do if the father doesn’t want custody? Can he be compelled to take custody of his son? Don’t get me wrong, I love my child with every inch of my being, but I am not doing well, and can’t keep doing this any longer.

  5. Parents who leave their kids are soulless, or stupid, but many who don’t leave their kids are soulless or stupid too. Kids need both of their parents, all of the time. What helps a kid be great is the balance between parents that occurs at all levels of learning. Mothers raising kids at a young age and transferring custody to the father at an older age is not a solution, it’s an attempt at repairing what has already been lost for the child.

    • I’m sorry that you feel that way because many parents are in situations that the best solution is for the child not to be in an unhealthy environment even if it means separating. Kid’s don’t have both of their parents all of the time and some kids lose their parent(s) at a young age and must depend on other family members and extended family (friends, adoptive parents, etc.) to help them through their childhood. There is an old saying that “It takes a village to raise a child” and the village is not just mom and dad, it takes faith, education, and life experiences to raise children.

  6. I did not give up my daughter …..After a terrible divorce five years ago to an abusive, manipulator,whom I had a straining order against up until 3 years ago. My daughter became emotionally unstable last year and was hospitalized three times. My Ex picked this time to brainwash my daughter into thinking the divorce was my fault and she became hostile towards me. and wanted to go stay with him. They made up all kinds of lies to make me look look like the bad one… so she could live with him and he would not have to pay child support anymore.
    They tried to get residential custody three times in court but because of his DYFS case no judge would grant it. Until recently his attorney asked for a new Judge… O’Brien which in spite of the recommendations from DYFS and their report granted residential custody to my ex. and made it retroactive to April and now say I have to pay back child support and that I am now obligated to pay from that time. Something here is very dirty ….but this is the last incident Dec.8, 2011 of an ongoing rip- my- heart- out experience. He had attorney I can’t afford one..

  7. I have a story to tell and another one about to be told. Losing custody of the first child was not my choice, but something that happened b/c I had relinquished physical custody so my son could start his school life (he was entering kindergarten) where I would eventually follow to live with him and his father to put our family back together. Long story short – in that time that my son started school and when I was to return to our original family home (30 days – to give notice to the landlord of the apt. I was renting), the ex moved n a new girlfriend. What I made was a big, naive, mistake. I was just a kid myself and I put trust where it didn’t belong and in the end, well, I was the non-custodial parent paying child support. Paying child support was not the hard part in spite of not having the same earning potential as my former husband; not being able to be there for everything and nothing at all for our son was. Bitter, resentful, angry as I was and sometimes still get today – if that had not happened (me losing custody) – there would have been no way for me to have gone on and had my daughter. Now that I’m older and looking at my second divorce, every instinct in me is to fight for her and not make the same foolish mistakes I made the first time, but then I wonder – why? For what end? My husband and I both love our daughter and we both have something of value to give to her to shape and grow her. I don’t want to put her through – or go through myself again – the inevitable ugliness known as family court, visitations, the hate it creates towards the other parent, and the very difficult situation it ultimately puts the child in. I’ve been her primary caretaker for her whole nine years and I still have so much to give her and teach her, but if my husband wants physical custody – maybe that’s IS the best thing for her. I mean – I have given up 10 years worth of outside working experience to be her universe and now that we are divorcing – I’m 10 years behind. I’m going to need the time and space to catch up. It’s not like she won’t still be my daughter – and who knows- maybe if decide NOT to go through court and fight my ex – we could actually do alright by her. He on the other hand – is financially stable and about to retire from is first job. She would be better provided for here where she has everything she could ever need and as long as her dad and I can pull this off without pulling us all apart – she’ll still have the best of what I have to give her and what he has to give. Dads have given up/lost custody for so long – they can do it – why can’t we?

    • Wow:

      This sounds so familiar. I’m glad that you were able to get yourself together and decide on what was best for the child. I’m up there with you because I do have days that I’m still angry that I didn’t get to finish raising my younger son but I feel strongly about men raising teenage boys (and daughters too). I’m still in the recovery process of everything that has happened as everyone else has moved on. You are not alone in this process and thank you so much for sharing your story. The best thing to do now is spend time on yourself and do the things that you enjoy doing. When you have visitation, continue to give your children guidance and show them a happier side to you even if it breaks your heart that they aren’t with you. I wish you well in the recovery process and your children love you. It doesn’t matter if they see you everyday or every once in a while.

  8. I too have let my daughter live with her dad. She has a family with him, which she wouldn’t have with me…i.e. 2 brothers,a sister and both mother and father. with me thats it.. just me. i live in a large city, if she was with me she would be in a classroom with 50 plus kids no one on one with the teacher,no extracurricular activities,no chance to be a kid. Safety is an issue here also….can’t trust anyone. with her dad she lives in a small town …20 kids in her class,she participates in all sports,gets straight A’s and is on the math team. her teachers love her and she loves them….within reason lol we live 750 miles apart but talk everyday she is happy and goes to church and does a bible study every friday with 5 other girls her age she has tons of friends and is blossoming into a beautiful young woman. i am so sick of people looking at me as if i was an addict or unfit mother i still have legal custody of her,.. pay support and visit as often as i can ..i just returned from watching her basketball tournaments…what a blast..she knows i love her and i do spoil her when i can. yes i do feel the usual bitterness but i know that she is better off where she is at….her dad is stricter than i am and her stepmom and her have a great relationship i actually get along with her better then my ex…some days it hurts to not have her with me but i know that later on in life she will understand the sacrifice i have made to insure she have the best chance at a long and healthy life and hopefully she won’t have to make the same painful choice i had to..i am a fit parent i know it in my heart

  9. While literally true that women pay child support it isn’t the whole truth. The census bureau tells us mothers paid $900 million in child support. That too sounds good. Until you get the whole truth. Mothers only pay child support 18% of the time they don’t have custody. And men paid $11.2 Billion (11,200 million) in support. They paid 12 times as much in support. 1.6 million fathers have custody I compute an average of $600 per father. Most of the time (9.9 million) mothers have custody and receive an average of $1100. Please tell me (PayingDad2.2012.jim27106 AT dfgh.net) if you find updated statistics. Don’t wait. Send me the email NOW with your source. (http://www.census.gov/apsd/www/statbrief/sb95_16.pdf accessed on 4/6/2011)

    • You do realize that, most often, women make quite a bit less than men, right? And that child support is based on income, usually that of both parents?

  10. I am in this situation, it hurts a lot. I’m 23 and my ex is 34 and we have two daughters. I was going to move to Texas to finish college, and he and his new girlfriend (who’s pregnant) are saying just leave my (3 and 5 year olds) , my 3 year old has already been with him and pretty much hates me, and my 5 year old has been with me. I tried to talk to him about letting me take my 5 year old but he said no…I am so unsure of what to do, I could go to texas and get back the college life and years I missed, or struggle as a single young college student mom…I just don’t know.

    • I understand your situation and although it will be difficult, finishing school is a great option. If your children are in a happy and safe environment that can assist in easing your fears of leaving them. Finishing school and following your dreams will better prepare you to help them as they grow up. If you have them now it will be a constant struggle especially without additional education.

      Both your children will have time to renew their relationship with you. Once you finish school and land a better job, you will be able have more visitation rights and save enough money to have less stressful quality time with them.

      Make sure that you talk to your lawyer about joint custody of the children vs. your ex having sole custody. You don’t want any problems later on down the road when you have everything in place. Who knows, they may come to live with you later.

      Good luck your decision. I would love to hear how you’ve worked it out.

  11. Consider applying to a local college. Fathers are very important to children, but mothers are important too. You should ask the admissions department if you could TRANSFER in classes taken at another college.

    if you do go to Texas please return and and least spend some time with your kids.

  12. I’m 24 and I have a 3 year old. It has been 2 years since his father and I separated. Last year was a great struggle as his father wasn’t involved much in visitations and I ran with all the expenses on my own. This year is just a hint better but I’m really starting to resent it all. I was in college when I was with his father and I tried to go back this year but it’s hard with work/ school / other responsibilities( my son and expenses/bills). His father got married almost a year ago and makes really good money. Ever since my ex got married he has been trying to do better and it’s showing. My son seems to like his wife and always asks to go to his fathers house, yes it hurted at first bc I’ve done so much and all he wants is his father but then again I understand he loves and misses his father and is only 3 so doesnt really know appreciation. I really wish to go back to school full time and work part time but I know that I wont be able to do well or actually achieve that goal having full physical custudy of my son and My ex has asked twice already to allow more time with him. I know he would be okay with his father because his father does have the means to provide where I constantly struggle trying to give him a home on my own. The only problem is that his behaviour changes when he goes with his father. He comes back just not liking me much and very few times he comes back as if he hasnt seem me for decades and only wants to be with me. I’m afraid he just won’t like me anymore or that his behaviour will get worse. I do know I need to make the sacrifice because I do want to provide him with everything and I want a better future for the both of us. The only way I can do that is to give physical custody but whenever I think of it I feel heartbroken. I want to know how have other women dealt or coped with giving physical custody to the ex, specially in the toddler years. My ex only lives half hour away which means I would see him often but just the separation is what I cannot bear as I’ve been with my son always. The struggle I cannot take any longer and Im becoming somewhat bitter for not reaching my full potential with school and in life yet I do not want to fail as a mother. Any advice from actual experience would be greatly appreciated.

  13. I have been searching for an entire year, to find another woman besides myself who had to lose custody of her children and now pays child support. Its been 2 years and I’ve been grieving their loss as if they had died! My ex-husband alienates them from me. I was awarded 8 hours a month unsupervised, to spend with them. That is 480 minutes, when I was for 18 years, a stay at home mother, Sunday school teacher, vacation bible school teacher, in charge of every aspect of their raising, including homeschooling. Never marry an Iranian man. That was my lesson… they are worse than the mafia when it come to protecting their children (possessions), and when divorce happens (I was sick of the control and physical abuse), they want you, their mother, dead and buried. I fled 250 miles to protect myself from him. I travel that distance every month. He ruined my career as an elementary school teacher, ensuring I either have to be a dead beat mother and end up in jail, or I am homeless, starving, without a car or any clothing – unable to survive. I am work at a grocery store making minimum age, and I pay my due support, but I also live in a vehicle. My children need me! He cannot have them forever, they will GROW UP AND MOVE OUT one day and I thank God for that. He has is full army pension and he owns 2 businesses that leave him with thousands to spare every year. he was awarded everything in the divorce not because I did anything wrong, but because he is close friends with the judge, lawyers, sheriff, and has money to throw at them to get what he wants. All I had was a pro bono lawyer thru the womens crisis center. She was paid off by his lawyer to push me into settling quickly. Any serious advice would be greatly appreciated. Please I have had enough basing. I don’t wish this pain on anyone.

  14. I need advice. I have solely raised my 12 yr old disabled daughter. Additionally I have been attending college. This yr is to be my final yr and is not one I can complete due to the internship and nonexistence of sitters for handicapped children. Her father has not only offered to take her into his home but also stated he wants sole custody. She has visitations with him about once every two months where I perform the entire transportation process. Furthermore I have never recieved child support from him which he will want if she goes. He quits he job if the courts order a review to reflect a poverty income much like ours. This in turn makes his support zero. Also he has put himself on some list to get section 8 housing which concerns me that our childs disability would be paying his rent and he would be reliant upon her residing with him. He would be taxing more welfare than I do with her. I hate the idea of her living with him but I want to finish college so I can add money to her special needs trust for when I am gone. My pro’s and con’s list are matched in equal elements. What do I do, give up on college or jeopardize my baby for the finacial security of her adult life?


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